


masquerade: golden

by goldenweiss



Series: masquerade: ??? – english edition [1]
Category: Cardcaptor Sakura
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Character Interpretation, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Clear Card Arc (Cardcaptor Sakura), Drama, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Literary References & Allusions, Momo (CCS), burn the squids
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:56:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28637361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenweiss/pseuds/goldenweiss
Summary: A new perspective regarding the past events of Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card-Hen, you accompany Elizabeth Reed Lambert, the young future heiress of the leadership to one of the oldest magical clans in Europe, in an attempt to stop her family's problematic actions and to create a bright future for the people she loves the most.
Series: masquerade: ??? – english edition [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2098617
Kudos: 1





	1. Prologue: night stroll on the garden of the mind.

**Author's Note:**

> This work is heavily inspired by my own theories and headcanons for Clear Card but is also based on the canon to some extent. The universe CLAMP created in this new arc fascinates me, with the new characters that were introduced and also the expansion of the universe... I really love imagining and discussing these additions, but they don't really get enough love, so I decided to make my own content about it! I hope you like it!  
> For more updates on this work, you can check my Twitter profile, @wondergolde!  
> Feel free to follow and maybe talk with me there!

The floor made me flinch when my feet first touched it, and I was still a little dizzy for having gotten up too fast, but even though I would like to stay in bed, face buried in books or playing around, I need to face these little challenges to start a brand new day.

I opened the curtains to the balcony and was presented with the gorgeous view of a strangely calm sea. Beaches are so different from what I usually live in my limited little world, and for that reason, I am truly happy to have been allowed to visit the family's beachouse at this start of 2005. I've been here for five days already, but can't help myself but look at everything I'm experiencing now in wonder, even the simplest of things. I have been told that sometimes I can be a little childlike when it comes to the world. I don't know if this is supposed to be treated as a compliment or as an insult, but, nonetheless, I'm proud of being able to experience wonder like this. As "Alberto Knox" in Sophie's Garden says, although not in his exact words, philosophy and poetry are born from within the minds of those who experience the world as if it was their first time. Those who don't relegate the admiration of life to the background. Those are the similarities between children and philosophers.

If I’m truly honest, being here, for me, is a way to stray away from the turbulent situation of my family and my busy life back home and… rest. A way to re-experience the nostalgic feeling of trying to prevent my hair from getting in the way of my vision, exactly as I’m doing now… it's been some time since I felt like this for the last time. Reminiscing about it brings a smile to my face…

Beaches are places that truly bring happiness to me, and every time I get the opportunity to be in a place like this, I appreciate it. I really do. This type of ambiance brings fond and precious memories back to me, like the one when I met her. In the summer of 1990, I met Nadeshiko Amamiya… a little girl with magical powers, just like me. We automatically became the best of friends, as we were so strangely similar to one another. We played together the whole day, made little bracelets, and it was so much fun. She appeared to me just when things were starting to deteriorate in my family, so, meeting her, at the time was like a blessing the shore brought to me… she seemed to make all the bad feelings go away just by smiling. She was… amazing. Unfortunately though… when her family was supposed to go back to Japan, we had to part ways… she wanted to keep in contact by exchanging letters, but… I just couldn't bring myself to involve her in the world that I live in, even if it's painful, it'll be for the greater good. I couldn't bear the thought of her getting hurt by being involved with me… this decision… still hurts a lot.

And then, we hugged and said our last goodbyes… I never heard of her again.

I was staring at the sea as the waves started getting more and more active.

_Nadeshiko… I really hope she is okay… I really do._

I am the heiress to one of the oldest and most infamous magical clans in Europe, and I really can't distance myself from my duties, even if I wanted to. Recently, they have started a rivalry with the Li Clan, in China, for no apparent reason other than wanting a monopoly of the magical world. I can't wrap my head around why they do this, though…

Ah, geez… I've been overthinking again… I can't keep doing this. I don't want to lose track of time. I must go get ready to start my essays for school. I really wanted to live in the utopia of my dreams, but… I guess that's not possible. I have to get back to reality.

After taking a warm bath, I put on my favourite dress, light blue in colour and super soft and flowy, which I dedicated especially to having a productive time. I've always thought this specific tone fit me because of the blue of my eyes and my blonde hair, and every time I wear it, I feel an urge to start dancing and wandering around because of its delicacy, but… I can do that later. "Let's get this done with! You go, Elizabeth!" – I cheered myself on mentally as if this would help me get motivated somehow.

As I turned my computer on, I saw a notification pop up, saying I had unread e-mails waiting for me in my inbox. "What could it be…?" – I thought, a little worried about what might be inside the contents of the messages. In a swift movement, I superficially saw what was sent to me. There was an e-mail from my boyfriend, Lewis, and… one from my mother. "Out of all people, my mother sent me an e-mail…? She doesn't talk to me in ages, not even in person… I really hope it isn't anything extremely concerning, but…" – maybe I am thinking too much over this. I always tried to be optimistic, but I have this lethal flaw: overthinking and being paranoid about every little thing. The environment that I grew up in doesn't help, either.

Should I really open this…? Maybe I should read it later… no… I’ll be just running away if I keep acting like this. I haven't even opened it yet, why am I already so scared…?

I'll do it.

I decided to open Lewis’s message first so that I am more prepared to receive bad news later on.

_"From: Lewis Ceres (Lou)_

_To: Elizabeth Reed L._

_Hi Lizzie, what I want to say it's not really that BIG of a deal, and sorry if I seem extra-cheesy today, but, I really miss u, and wanted to ask about how are you doing these days. Are things good over there in Saint Tropez?? How is the temperature? Is it cold?? Have you been having fun? If you want to let this for later, it's a-ok!! Just know that I love you very much, and hope that everything is going well over there. <3"_

"Oh, Lou…" – I couldn't prevent myself from laughing softly when I finished reading this. He's too sweet. My mood brightened a little bit, but… there's still the other one. Still a bit scared, I tried to face whatever was waiting for me.

_"From: Dr. Celine Reed_

_To: Elizabeth Reed L._

_Come to England ASAP. There's much needed to discuss. Great things happened, but, with that, some inconveniences are getting in our way. You should be here to at least do something. Your father tried to contact you multiple times, but you didn't even bother to respond. I hope you have a valid justification for that, and not a rubbish excuse like "oh, I was having so much fun on these gorgeous beaches, I didn't even have time to do what I’m supposed to". You should be embarrassed. You are a twenty-two-year-old grown woman, you should have already learned to put your responsibilities first place._ _Do you want to flee and embrace wonderland? Is **that** what you want to do? Poor thing. _

_Hopefully, I was clear enough, Elizabeth."_

_"That's..."_ – after reading the e-mail, I felt my hands trembling… I tried to calm down, because… _I shouldn't be acting like that, should I…? I… feel… so pathetic._

I took a deep breath and checked my inbox again. My father's messages, for some reason, were in the spam folder. _Here they are…_ I couldn't help but laugh with fear.

She touched right where it really hurts. I can't run away from my family's problems… but, I also cannot pretend to agree with what they are doing anymore, I need to start telling the truth… to stop lying to myself for once... _I'm just… scared. So, so scared…_ I don't like it there. I really don't. I mean... it's not like my family is filled with terrible people… or, at least, it wasn't always like this. It's all becoming so extreme, and my mind can't even keep up with the pace of their millions of wishes of grandeur. They will do **anything**.

I deeply wish for a bright future for the people I love, and to accomplish that, I need to start provoking changes. It can't be impossible, can it? I'll at least try.

I looked at the palm of my hand. It was a little steadier now. But… I don't know if I can really focus on the essay for now.

I just need to look at the future hopefully. Everything will be alright… won't it…?


	2. Silence and the winter breeze.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything seemed a little emptier today.

Here I am, back in England, at three in the morning. It's not like being here is what necessarily bothers me, I actually really like this country. Well, it is where I was born and grew up, and is also where a lot of people that are important to me currently live. My little sister Ivy; Lou; my classmates… but, even though. I'm not really returning under great circumstances, if I can put it like that. My results at the literature class, regarding the essays I've delivered those past few days, were… not that great. I am extremely perfectionistic when it comes to my writing, as being a writer is my dream career, but, even though…

"It's okay" – I said to myself, then audibly sighed. I do have more important issues at hand, and when I deal with them, I can try to improve my performance. Currently, I really need to recover my peace of mind. 

I, then, walked alone, carrying my luggage towards the strangely not crowded parking lot. I think my mind is way less foggy now since I thought over what happened that beautifully terrible day. I'm a little more confident now, and even though I’m still extremely fearful of what is going to happen next, I will at least try and face my woes head-on. I've already gone over my goals more than a hundred times by now, and I have already defined what it is that I want to do in my mind. I just need to think about how to accomplish it… 

As I arrived at my desired location, there was a black car I knew all too well waiting there for me. I'm sure I looked all  silly while walking towards him. When I opened the door, I was welcomed by nothing less than… 

– Bonjour, Mademoiselle. – said Lewis, with a strong English accent that he didn't try to suppress.

\- Lovely… Bon-jour! – was my amused answer, with a voice that was almost like singing. Then, I entered the car.

Both of us were laughing at this little cliche exchange. 

I looked through the car window, while smiling, just now realizing the cheesiness of it all. Well, it was indeed cheesy, but, I am actually not complaining. Not at all. To be honest, although I hate to admit it, extreme cheesiness is my guilty pleasure… the guiltiest of them. But… well, anyways… we were both having lots of fun out of this situation, so let's call it a win-win.

And then, we finally started the trip back home, with a familiar-sounding song of the ‘70s about perfect days accompanying us in the background. I haven't really listened to this style that much, but Lewis likes it a lot. 

My legs bounced up and down, accompanying the sweet rhythm of that melancholically optimistic tune. Lewis hummed a bit when it got to the bridge. Sometimes, I get astounded at how sweet his tone is when singing. It's so lovely.

– Anyways… how was it there, Lizzie? I noticed you returned way earlier than expected, did something happen? – said Lewis. Though his voice was euphonious, you still could feel the worry in it. I could feel it. 

– Huh, well… – I took a deep breath before starting my sentence. – It was fine. I didn't go to the beach directly, but the view from my room's balcony was beautiful. But, as for the reason I had to return… well. You know. Family issues. As always… 

– Oh… I figured that was the case. I'm sorry, though. Do you wanna… talk about it? 

– No, no, it's okay. Only God knows what's actually going on over there, so… I wouldn't know what to say to you. – even though what I was saying was pretty gloomy, something completely different crossed my mind.

– But, there is something I do know… – I smiled quite confidently while adjusting my posture. This sudden behaviour change seems to have caught his attention.

– And, what would that be? – he didn't look away from the road, but he still seemed curious as to what I would say.

– Remember back then, when I said that I would like to take more action regarding the clan? – he nodded.

– So… I think I’ll start to do just that. Today and beyond, I'll try to get even stronger, not magically, but… mentally. I want to be like, you know… the amazing women you see in literature. Beautiful, confident, ambitious… that's how I want to be in the future… and I’ll surely work towards it.

Oh? That is great to hear! I'll surely be rooting for you on this new "journey". – he looked at me with a genuine, proud, and dazzling smile before continuing his sentence. – But, Lizzie… in my eyes, you are already a strong, powerful woman. You still have hope, even after all the suffering you've gone through… I consider this to be a strength. – he stopped to caress my hand softly, before letting it go. This was a true, heartfelt expression of admiration. Not a formality to get on my parent's good side, but… an expression of admiration coming directly from the depths of his heart. 

– I… thank you very, very much. I'm really happy and flattered you think of me this way, but, being strong… I think there's a lot more than just hope in there, you know? I really lack most of the other virtues at the moment, and, mainly… – I could not find the right words to express myself, my mind was in a flurry, millions of thoughts were fighting for space, while I tried to communicate something with my hands, which did not go very well. When I finally could calm my thoughts back down, a little lightbulb seemed to shine over my head. – mainly, I need to learn how to deal with my fear and anxieties! I feel that's what's holding me back the most. I can't stay quiet anymore! Do you… uh, understand?

– Totally. – there was a short moment of silence, which seemed stranger than it should be after talking too much before. Lewis decided to cut it short. – but, you know… there's nothing wrong or cowardly to run from your problems if they are too big to deal with. Just… don't force yourself to hold every single burden all alone. – his tone suddenly changed, having turned into a more serious, low tone, which took me by surprise since it was so out of nowhere.

_– I know that… thanks._

_ Silence. It felt unnerving and eternal. _

Again, he was the one who broke it.

– And, just… know that I am here for you, okay? Not just me, our friends too. 

– I know that… – I smiled with gratitude and started to giggle.

– What is it? – he didn't really seem to understand why I was laughing. For him, it probably just came out of nowhere. 

– Y'know… you sounded super serious back then. It's rare seeing you like this. It was just so sudden.

– I'm super serio… ugh. – he tried to make his voice sound all low and mysterious, but it cracked halfway through, ruining the whole plan. He looked pretty devastated.

We both laughed at this, and the tension in the air pretty much just faded away in seconds.

– I truly do love you. – I gazed at him as if I was looking at a rare natural treasure. I'm so grateful. I never believed someone would actually love me sincerely and make me want to fly… but here he is, right in front of me… 

– You know what I’m going to answer.

– I… I do. - I could feel the heat in my face rising, the redness was becoming more and more prominent with every second, and I turned away to try and hide it because of my embarrassment, but, I couldn't stop laughing, and it ruined the whole disguise… we were having so much fun. Just like when we first met at school, two years ago. I saw that boy with medium-length wavy ash brown hair and dark brown eyes approaching me in the library while I read. We shared similar interests in books, and when I told him my dream was to become a writer… he seemed really enthusiastic about my works. And then, I would bring every piece for him to read. It made me so happy to have someone appreciate something I made so carefully. We quickly became friends, that would always be chatting in the library, sometimes with friends, but, most of the time… all alone while the other students read. I remember I was the one that used to tease him a lot… those certainly are good memories. Now, we are here. Together. In love. I'm so happy I'm here. Enjoying every little moment we spend together more and more.

– Oh… sorry. But, there's something I need to tell you. Regarding the association… 

– Oh, them… what happened? – my tone sounded worried when I talked, and that was representative of how I was feeling. In my mind, I was like "oh, god, what did they do this time?". But, I think it's fair for me to jump to the worst conclusions like this because it is them we're talking about. The Magic Association of England, which Lewis participates in by his family's pressure, is one of the main allies of my clan at the moment, the rumours about them surely don't seem pretty, from what I’ve heard. I’m a little scared of what goes on there, to be honest.

– A new member at the headquarters, in Nottingham.

– Wait… but I thought they weren't accepting members there anymore, only in Newcastle and Manchester… 

– Well, they didn't accept applications. This is a special case… the new member was personally chosen by the leaders. - Lewis sighed deeply. His thoughts seemed to be very conturbated in regards to all this. – To be handpicked by the leaders and be put especially on the headquarters, where the most powerful congregate… this person must be extremely exceptional. 

– Yeah, that's what makes me worried… – I also didn't exactly know what to expect, maybe this special case put me especially on guard. No, not maybe… surely. – Hey… can you try to gain more information about this when you go there…? If it's not a nuisance to you.

– Oh, certainly. If I find out more about our guest of honors, I will surely tell you about it.

– Thank you so much… – that was very strange. A lot of extremely powerful mages had their applications to the HQ refused, even before they stopped taking them there. But, this mysterious person no one knows about just… enters. Not only that, they were chosen. It has been some time since someone last joined in circumstances like this, and the last time this happened, the chosen person was extremely powerful, being one of the leaders today. This is worrying. I must get to the bottom of this. Maybe I should ask about this at home… no, that would not be the best idea, they would probably ask "where did you get this information from" and, yeah… it's better to not risk it too much.

– Oh, we're here. – Lewis stopped the car, and, certainly, we've finally arrived at our destined location.

I then saw that Victorian palace, isolated from the society that I once called home and its various gardens. Here we are.

When I got out of the car, I felt a cold winter breeze accompanying me. The sun would still take long before rising. The two-hour-long travel from London to Nottingham never seemed so short.

– Do you think there's someone still up right now? – he said while adjusting his glasses.

– I hope so… I really am not in the mood to be locked away today. 

– Do you want to go somewhere and come back here later? You know, like Andreza's family's café. They are open right now, I think.

– That would be lovely, but, I’d rather stay here for today. We can go out another time, I promise.

– Okay, okay… then I’ll get going, now. Try not to be locked out, 'kay? – he says, teasingly.

– Ha… I’ll see what I can do.

After laughing, we both said our farewells with a hug.

When he returned to the car, I saw myself waving goodbye until I lost sight of him. I lost myself in thought again…

Until something took me out of the world of my mind without my consent.

Suddenly, I heard a loud sound, and the gate behind me was opened. I felt like my heart was going to jump from my chest, and my mind, for some reason, made me think I was falling down when I was just standing there. I tried to see what was behind me, and who I saw made me mentally jump, not from fear, but from happiness. Behind me, was my little sister, Ivy. My best friend here. When possible, we would just spend the whole night having fun and talking about various things. Playing little games, video, said, and board. Telling each other silly jokes.

I missed her so much. 

– Ivy! – I went in to hug her tightly and say how much I missed her, but… 

She actually pulled me away.

– Ivy…? – I couldn't explain what I felt with words, it just… hurt. Deep inside. What happened?

She held her head low, trying to not maintain any visual contact with me. She looked pale… 

– I'm sorry for coming home this late… the only flight I was able to go was already in a pretty inconvenient time… – I began, with the gentlest tone I could talk in. I may have scared her with all the impulsivity… 

– Kay… – when she spoke, it was almost like a whisper. That was the only time she answered something to me, before closing the door and going back home, still avoiding making contact with me.

I tried to ask her what happened, but she did not respond.

– Ivy… – I stopped there, trying to understand.

_What happened…? Is this my fault?_


	3. At Poe's Masquerade

I "woke up" with a terrible headache. It was seriously insufferable, came on random peaks, and was disorienting me to the point that the print on the walls seemed to be changing shapes. Since I was little, I was told that I should refrain from taking medicine if it wasn't a big deal, but it was hurting too much for me to handle. I seriously think I’m going to pass out if I don't do anything about this soon. I'm too weak for these types of things, I didn't sleep very well this night… – no, I didn't sleep at all this night. I had various nightmares tonight, where I was falling from a golden platform in a kind of dark purple void. The fear forced me to wake up, every time, and every time I tried to sleep again, the nightmare would just resume from where it stopped. It was almost like a curse. I really don't know why exactly it happened… maybe it had to do with what happened with Ivy earlier? I don't know. I'm still really worried, since the way she acted back then was totally out of herself. She isolates herself from the rest of the family, but I never saw her like that… I hope she's okay and nothing happened, but… I don't think that's the case. I lived with her for thirteen years of my life, I know her well… wait… do I really know her? I should know.

After I turned seven, this family started to totally break into pieces, even more than before. I drowned in such fear in uncertainty that still haunts me to this day. Before everything, I remember my parents would take us to places where we had lots of fun, and we used to smile. Smile carelessly, like we had not a care in the world. That moment was enough. 

Why did it have to change?

I don't know. 

I still have that picture. Me, my parents, and two of my younger sisters, Diana and…  _ what was her name, again? _ I think it was… Frances, was it…? Me, Diana and Frances. At the beach, smiling so happily. Seeing this scene once again… makes tears drop from my eyes.

I felt the pain worsening as I looked at the picture. As a last resort, I dragged myself to the door to go to the warehouse to get some medicine, but, before I could open it, I heard someone knocking.

– Eliza? Are you up?

"Oh?" I opened the door to see what the issue was. Diana was there, waiting for me, wearing the clan's ceremonial robe… wait, the ceremonial robe?

– Diana…? What's up?

– The urgent meeting. Didn't you know?

– Mee… ting? 

– Oh, so they didn't inform you? Our parents were pissed off because you weren't there, and then they asked me to come here to get you.

– Wha… wait. – a meeting? no one told me about di… this.

– We have to go now! Go get ready, quick! 

– Wait, wait! – I hurried to change clothes in my room, my robe ended up all messy, but I couldn't really take my time to adjust it anyway. I awkwardly ran in the corridors, trying my best not to fall down and be filled with even more embarrassment than before. The pain gets even worse… 

While hurrying through the courtyard, something caught my attention. A little boy with black hair, that seemed to be around three years in age, playing with a kitten. I have never seen him around here before, and he was not wearing a ceremonial robe, so I figured he was probably not from these parts.

He stared at me with deep violet eyes that seemed to penetrate your very soul with judgment. It was unsettling, somehow. – who is… ow! – before I could finish my sentence, Diana pushed my arm and we went even faster towards the ceremony hall ahead.

– They started already! Let's go! – Diana caused quite a scandal, though, she seemed distressed. She always hated being late.

My head seemed to explode when we finally got to the ceremony hall. My father, who was at the very center of the auditory, looked at us with disdainful eyes.

He started talking about the future, business, and new services of the association… wait, new services of the association…?

Diana noticed I was almost going to fall, and supported me in her shoulders. – Hang on… 

– Thanks… – she didn't respond, went on to focus on the lecture. I tried to do the same.

– In regards to the association… I have good news to announce. Soon, we will be gifted with an important thing for our road to utopia. They decided to keep its details a secret for now, especially to the outside world. But, soon, they'll reveal its name and appearance. 

What is this all about…?

– What is known to us at the moment is that it seemingly is an extremely powerful magician. It was found near the woods in Sherwood by the leaders. We should definitely be grateful, this allegiance is surely doing a lot of good for both parties. 

Wait… is he talking about the chosen magician Lou mentioned yesterday? And… why is he referring to them like that…? This is scaring me… what on earth do they plan to do?

– There was a deal between us and them, and it will eternally be available to our services some time from now… we only need to make the requests. That is an admirable, selfless devotion, I must say. Joining forces with them surely was a good idea. – father turned to my mother and said to her something I could barely hear… something along the lines of – "that is, until the flower finally perishes… " – wait. Does this mean… death? Are they really that cruel…? No… 

A round of applause echoed through the room. This is absurd, and… repulsive. I suddenly felt even more nauseated.

– Are you… okay? – Diana looked at me, worried. I couldn't even answer.

I felt terrible, seeing them blatantly treat that person like a mere object. My eyes started tearing up, and my vision became blurry. I said I was going to become stronger, but, I’m here, like this. I am acting irrationally, right…? I shouldn't… why… why do I always doubt myself like this? It's even worse… why don't I ever let myself feel? That's so… so… pathetic… I… wh… 

– I haf… have… to leave. – I felt weakness take over my body, and I ran outside with my last forces remaining, as fast as I could.

I could hear muffled laughter.

When I got out of the hall of human despair, I could only feel my body… 

falling… 

fall…

ing… 

down…

Until something tried to bring me back. 

Diana held me with all she could, trying to prevent me from falling and hitting my head to the floor. My vision was blurry, but I could see him… that boy… he is still here.

My consciousness, then, disappeared. 

When I finally woke up, it was already nighttime. I could see the moon through my window. I was lying down on my bed, with Diana reading a book on the armchair next to me.

– You're finally awake… – she remarked, putting the book back on the shelf she took it from, marking the page she stopped in. 

– I think so… – I was still feeling pretty dazed. But, I felt better. I was no longer feeling the pain from before… why did that even happen in the first place?

– That's good. You totally passed out earlier. I was worried, but I had to bring you to the meeting anyway… they were really pestering me to do so. I should have let you rest, sorry. – she kept her head down while speaking.

– No, no! It's okay, don't worry… I just didn't get enough rest, that's all. It's not your fault. – Diana sighed. – And, in any way, I did get some useful, but terrifying information out of this… – I whispered to myself.

– What?

Diana heard me vaguely. Perceptive as ever, it seems.

– No, it's nothing… – her eyes widened, and she seemed to be even more curious, but, she decided to stop it there.

I thought about asking her about the boy from earlier, but, a more important issue immediately came into my mind.

Ivy.

– Diana…?

– Yes?

– Have you felt something off these days…? In regards to Ivy. I spoke with her yesterday and… she felt strange.

– No… wait. Actually, yes. Not just her, but Frances has also been acting differently these days.

– How so? Did something happen? – I have to get to the bottom of this.

– Well… Ivy has locked herself up in her room for three days already. And Frances just seems… off. She was the first one to arrive at the meeting today and received waves of praise from our parents, it was almost a complete 180º both from how she acted before, and how our parents regarded her, too… 

– But, that is good, isn't it…? 

– Well, yes. But, still… 

– I understand how you feel… but what happened to Ivy…? I'm really worried, so… if you know anything, please tell me.

– I may know.

– Seriously? What is it?! – I want to help her, but I don't know how.

– Some time ago, they made her do a task. She ended up failing and losing important items to the process, so the rest of the clan absolutely bashed her. They told to our parents and it just got worse from there. They spent a long time screaming at her face. I even heard them say something like… "if Elizabeth was here, she would laugh at you, and see how pathetic you are" – she stopped and took a deep breath. That was affecting her too… – That night, I saw her run into her room crying. Even then, they did not stop. It was really bad… 

Ivy… why did they do this to her…?

I need to try to talk to her. It doesn't have to be now if she doesn't feel comfortable to do so… but, even so, I need to try to talk to her about this. Power doesn't define who you are… I will try to make her see this. I am not very good at giving advice, but I just want to comfort her and make her feel better… I know the trauma of being deemed a failure will never go away, but, even so… I need to be there for her. She needs someone to be there for her. I don't want to see her growing up like me, a woman who doubts herself every few seconds…

My hands started trembling again.

– Are you okay? Do you want me to get some water?

– Yeah, I’m just tired… – lies. – don't worry. You can go now if you want to! – I put on a fake smile. I needed to lie in order to think about this alone… 

– Okay then… – Diana was on to something once again, but she just let it be. She sighed and looked one last time at the book she was reading before. – By the way, I’m going to come back tomorrow to borrow this one. It seems to be pretty good. – Epitaph of a Small Winner? Good choice. Now that I think about it, it's a bit out of place on my shelf considering the type of books I usually read are either philosophic romances, poetry, or fantasy in general. But, it still is a good book.

– Okay. Feel free.

She exited my room and I took a deep breath. I waited for the footsteps in the hallway to fade away, so I could calm myself down in order to go see Ivy later on.

I opened the door to my room and went away. At this moment of the night, the majority of the residents probably are sleeping. The doors were closed and the lights were off, with the exceptions of those below the floor I was in, the lights of the courtyard and the gardens. It was such a pretty view, but, I think all the disgusting things I heard coming from the clan today tainted it in my eyes. A palace built on desire and despair… 

I quietly went up the wooden stairs in order to reach the rooftop. The full moon was so beautiful tonight.

The light pollution of the region was very low, considering the city itself is pretty far away. The majority of places with high magical concentration are kept away from society, in order to prevent any disturbances of the outside world.

Suddenly, I heard a loud thud coming from below. Something hit the ground, but I could not see what it was that caused it. When I looked down, the only strange thing I saw was Ivy's room with the window open… wait. Could it be…?!

I ran downstairs, and my previous attempt to be silent didn't even matter anymore. 

When I got there, the door was half-opened. I didn't want to just come barging in, and I still had to confirm something.

– Ivy? – no response.

– Ivy. Are… are you there? – and… nothing.

"So, it really was the case…" – I felt anxiety rushing through me. It really was what I thought it was, she was really not there anymore.

– Ivy… – I tried my best not to panic. I was scared, and justifiably so… it was hard to contain myself, but I tried, as this was a delicate situation where I have to do something quickly and right. I need to find her as fast as possible before she runs into any kind of danger. I can't ask for help from the people here, I don't want them to make even more fun of her… it'll just make things worse.

I need to do this myself. I need to be confident.

– I… think everything will end up well… everything will be okay… – my voice cracked while I spoke, but I knew deep inside the way I spoke these words wasn't exactly right. I need to get there… 

I need to throw my mask away. The mask I've kept on for as long as I can remember. The mask of fatal dread. If I'm honest to myself, it will soon be gone. Its remains will slowly burn in the dull flame of my rising faith. 

I strongly clenched my fist, took a deep breath, and tried to hold back the tears.

–  **Everything will certainly be alright!** – in a tearful, but determined voice, I said. Trying to be motivated this time by my own words, I quickly ran towards the window and jumped. The wind helping me to soar in the sky while using my magic.

When I got to the ground, I used a hairpin to take my hair out of my face, so it wouldn't muddle my vision anymore.

With a sigh, I felt everything around me seemed to change. Everything was so much more clear now. 

I will not let anything bad happen to her.  **In any way shape or form** . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of the most complex chapters I wrote in a long time... I hope you like it!


	4. Like a moth to a flame.

I ran through the woods, hoping to not be seen by anyone. There weren't any lights to guide my way besides the illumination of that bright full moon. The sounds of wings flapping around and the noises my shoes made while stepping on dry branches and leaves on my way were the only ones I could hear near me. With my eyesight being limited, I accidentally ended up hitting some trees on my way, I couldn't dodge them to save my life. Most of the time, I am very cautious so that I do not hurt myself. I really don't like feeling pain. Most of the time, I think that I feel more pain than most, for some reason. But, now… I could not stop running. My body simply refused to.

An annoying pain then hit me. It took me some time to realize my arms had some little superficial cuts and scratches caused by the collisions.

I can handle it, I can handle it. My only wish is that I find my sister. And that's all there is to it. I can't keep drowning in pain anymore. Even if I hurt myself, if I find her, it will all be worth it.

I tried to focus on my surroundings, searching for any kind of sign of life. Beyond me and the birds, nothing else seemed to exist there. The silence was overwhelming.

Suddenly, I heard it. The sound pierced through my mind and made my heart want to jump out of my chest. The sound of movement. Life. "Could it be…?!" – I couldn't contain myself. Could it be dangerous? I don't know. If something does happen, I would just need to use my magic, right?

It came from right there. I just need to go through here, and… 

It was nothing but a total red herring. It was just a cat, waltzing around. Ah, gee! I thought I found her, but it was a cat! Yeah, a cat! Ha… ha… 

I was all alone again. There was nothing I could identify from thereon out. The moon seemed to stare in my eyes, confirming my feelings of total solitude in that cold, cruel night. I don't have much time until it leaves me too.

The more prominent residents of the house usually wake up as soon as the day breaks. I can't let them notice we're both missing, not now… I need to go on, I need to find her. If I take too long, she could be in danger… I… I don't want to think about it! 

I ran. In my path, so many red herrings, ones that hurt even more than the other found their way to me, and, sometime later… I couldn't even find that any more. My speed started to drastically decrease with each second, and, soon enough, I felt like it was too much for me to handle anymore. 

"I can't… stop… just… a little bit… more…! I can do it… I can…!" 

In the end, it was all for naught. I tripped on my own legs and fell to the ground. I was a total mess. Not only in appearance but in my mind too. I couldn't even breathe correctly anymore… _so tired…_

So many times, my heart was torn into little pieces. I was so, so close to finding her my fingers could barely reach it. The Ladies of Fate confiscated it all away from me when everything seemed to be resolved. 

Everything seemed so clear before… so promising… I was finally going to… change. Guess I really can't have things follow my wishes every time, right…? It's just so… funny… I can't stop laughing… 

Was all that before just for nothing…? Was it just my wishful thinking…? I said I was going to get rid of my mask, but I keep coming back to it every single time. God, they were right. I really am still so reckless and naive… i haven't changed at all. But, still. I still have to find Ivy… if something happens to her, I could never forgive myself. 

Just because I stopped for a little bit doesn't mean I gave up on you…! Ivy… hang on there! I'll be right there! 

Wait for me… please!

My throat felt like it was burning. My eyes started to get wet. You already know what comes next. It happened time and

time again. My lashes made my vision foggy and my eyes started to hurt a lot. I could almost feel every single teardrop in their little journey from my eyes to the ground. Ha… 

I put my trembling hand in the soil and tried to get up on my feet again. I need to keep going. I need to keep my faith. It hurts, but… I just can't stop when my sister's life is on the line like this. Even though those scary thoughts keep coming to my mind, I can't let them become a reality.

My arm still hurts from the cuts and scratches. But, what hurt more was my heart, full with the worries of a sister and a best friend. Geez, Ivy… where are you…? 

Not even the wind made itself present.

It was quiet.

Oh, so quiet… 

Too quiet for my liking.

I only saw a dim fiery light… 

… 

A… light?

Just like a moth to a flame, I followed the light with no hesitations. Slowly, quietly… until I finally found… 

Her. Sitting on the ground, with a hurt knee, of which she tried to stop the bleeding with a handkerchief. Her handkerchief. She still has it with her… 

– Ivy…? – I spoke softly as if I was singing a loving lullaby to a tiny child. She looked directly at me, with her big, shining eyes. With a face of surprise, she didn't seem to understand the situation.

– E-Elizabeth…?! What are you… why are you…? – with a shaky voice, she said. She desperately looked for the answers to her doubts in my face but ended up not finding anything. 

– Ivy… – through the tears that sprung from such a painful past, I smiled gently. Everything definitely turned out to be alright. – I've been searching for you… 

– Why…? 

– Because we're the bestest of friends… – slowly, I went in her direction. I crouched on the ground so I could be on her eye level. – Ivy… I would never abandon you. If something happened to you, I wouldn't know what to do. – tears of relief were falling down my eyes. Ivy seemed to be still very dazed by the whole situation, but slowly she started to reciprocate my hug. I finally found her once again. She seemed a bit tense and trembled a bit, but, she was slowly trying to calm down.

When we separated sometime later, I asked her: – do you want to say something…? Anything…?

I only heard incomprehensible mumbling. I tried to ask her the main question.

– Do you… want to go back home? – she was silent. This is a complicated question. To return to the world you've always known or to never go back to the suffering it made you feel?

– No… – she whispered. – I'll never go back home again…

My knees hurt from crouching, and it was pretty difficult to get up again. I sat by her side, to try and make her more comfortable then. – Do you know where to go?

– I don't… – she looked so tired… she has gone through so much these days.

Hm… – this is complicated… I have some ideas of friend's places you maybe could stay, but I don't know if they are available. And I don't know if you would feel comfortable, too… since you are not too familiar with them or the things outside our home yet.

– Ideas? Which ideas…? 

– Well… my first thought was Lou… oh, Lewis. But, I think it's out of the question because he has to live with two classmates. It would not be the best idea… 

– Why not?

– If it was just Lewis, it would be okay, since you already are familiar with him, but his classmates are… how can I say… not that great to be with. 

Ivy made a little disappointed noise. – how about the other one?

– Near the entrance of the city, I have a dear friend who owns a café with her grandparents. She lives there, on the first floor of the building. It's very spacious and cozy. It could be a good fit…

– We should try… I don't want to be alone here… 

– You won't. – I embraced her in a hug once again. – I promise. – I felt like she finally was actually calming down. It makes me so happy that she feels better now.

– Ivy…? – she actually had fallen asleep in my arms… I’ll let her rest for a bit. She really needs it.

When finally I stopped to analyze the place I was in, I noticed something that caught my attention. Where did the flame that made me come here go? Was it even here in the first place? Did I just… imagine it? No... i know it was there. And, not only that...

**I feel like i've seen it before, somewhere.**

So strange.

But, even though it's definitely strange, it doesn't matter for now. I'm here with Ivy safe and sound. I can't express with words the happiness that I’m feeling. A smile is enough.

This is only the starting point, but slowly but surely, we'll achieve a happy future. 

When she wakes up, I will take her to Andreza's house. I hope it isn't a bother to her… I don't want to cause even more problems to Andy, but at this point, she's our only hope.

I could try to take her there now; Andy does have a habit to stay awake late at night (a habit that I always have to scold her for, mind you). On the next day, even though her dark skin makes it more difficult to notice, you can see the dark circles in her eyes. I wish she But, there's a problem. I just don't feel okay going to her house this late, you know? She might actually be sleeping this time.

I looked at the sky and saw a little white dot moving alone. I know what it is, it's a satellite. "Hi, salutations to the celestial world". It, after passing through a dark cloud, revealed other satellites in its trail. So the lonely satellite found company…

So lovely.

Why am I rooting for a satellite to have friends…? Anyways… maybe this can mean a thing or two, about friendship. How you can never be alone forever. Or maybe, I am again, thinking too much. 

Who knows?


	5. Piece of Introspection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things just somehow feel off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, y'all! But, chapter 5 is finally here! Enjoy. <3

The stars somehow seem different today. It's the same sky as always, but the feeling observing them brings me now is unlike me. It's not sad, but it's not a pleasant sensation either.

Ivy is probably safe now, I should be happy that she is okay. I definitely am relieved and didn't bother to hide my tears of love and joy before. But, as time passed… dormant memories and thoughts came into my mind without warning. I wish I could stop them from finding me. At this point, when I try to look at the beautiful nature around us, after mere seconds, the intrusive thoughts just hit me again. Pleading, begging, screaming to enter the house.

After Ivy woke up in the morning twilight, we decided to make our way to Andreza's house. She held my arm, and we continued on with slow, tired steps.

We were making our way to the real world. It was right in front of us, waving its salutations from afar. 

This was a new experience for Ivy. She never left the whereabouts of our home. She wasn't allowed to. Because… she wasn't enough for them. They wanted more and more. Her only way of knowing about the outside world was music… and even that was heavily supervised.

Too much magic, not enough magic… it doesn't matter. You're subject to their cruelty anyway… although in different ways. Too much…? You're their golden puppet. Not enough…? You are deemed worthless. Even though I wear my hope right under my sleeve, I can't help but fear for the people of the future. If the situation stays like this, I can't even imagine how worse it'll be then.

You know… once before, I asked myself: "why did it have to change?" Looking back, maybe it never did. The true nature of this clan just became clearer as I got older. For the longest time, my naiveté hid reality from the young, innocent heart so that it wouldn't break with just one blow.

My whole life, I was the precious treasure under their possession. Overestimated, under pressure, and suffering because of the conscience that grew on me over time. Even though, this is still my family… if I can even call them that. Sometimes, I feel like Rapunzel. Eternally chained to the ambitions of people related to me. But, this time… I will try to free myself. I'll try and hold the hands of my stronger future self. It is okay to wish, even though it may just be a daydream. Desires are the strongest form of magic. If I have the faith to change my fate and if I put in the effort necessary… my wish will come true. With no pain and no sacrifices, I’ll reach out to this new truth. 

Understanding comes with age, that's what they say. Even now, I know nothing. I still have many things to learn while I live. There's still a lot of time to develop. 

It just dawned on me… their treatment of normal humans is… pretty terrible. It's a pyramid, and they are located at the very bottom. It's almost like a food chain. There's a minimum chance of a child of two magicians to be born without magic, and, honestly… that possibility scares me. If they are born in this clan, I'm sure they will be treated as a curse, a disgrace. I don't even want to think about it… 

When the youngest daughter of the Li Clan was born without magic, thus making all four of Miss Yelan Li's daughters normal people, it was a motive for euphoria. Like they were seeing their rival bow down to their feet. Those girls were mocked by them… as if magic defined your value as a person.

Now that I stop and think about it… their system based on power is actually very simple. As I said before… too much? Property. Not enough? Rubbish. In both of the situations, you are robbed of your youth and humanity, in an unjust game that only benefits the people that hold big roles and their undying lust to be seen as undefiable deities. What is their mid-point?

To think about this brings me emotions I had last seen long, long ago. I will express myself clearly. I feel like now, I can freely express my dread, melancholy, and… anger. It is out of character, isn't it…? For me… to be angry. But, my persona is the reflection of me that I show to the world. I will keep my anger to myself, and blindfold myself with the hope around me. I only wish for peace.  **The system can change, no… it will change!** I believe in it. As time passes, everyone will come to their senses. They will wake up from this nightmare. I will influence them to do it. 

**Nothing is lost yet.**

"Elizabeth! Do you hear me… " – this voice… is it my conscience calling me from the depths of my mind…?

Oh? Wait. This voice… it's Ivy that calls for me… what? Did I lose track of myself again…?! Oh no… 

– Oh, ah, sorry! I was just… thinking about things. 

– It's okay, but… I don't really know where we're going… 

– Don't worry, it's just a few steps away from here.

I was dozing out, but, at least my body was leading us towards the right way… I disconnected myself so much from reality back then, I don't know how I didn't like, trip on a rock or something… I’m glad that didn't happen.

When we were almost reaching our destination, a familiar voice called out for me.

– Liz…? What are you doing here?

– Andy…! Hi! – I waved happily at the sight of my best friend on the balcony. I am upset, though… even though I am a bit far away, she seems tired. I don't think she slept tonight… again. I hope she has been taking care of herself these days… work is important, but so is her physical and mental health. Your well-being is no small potatoes… 

– Is it here? – Ivy whispered in my ear.

– Yeah, and that's the friend I told you about… – I put my hands on her shoulders. 

– Hey, can you come down here right now? 

– Hm… – Andreza turned her back on us and put on the lilac coat she had hanging on the chair. – Right away.

– Come in, Liz… oh. 

– What's up?

– Who is she?

– My little sister! – Andreza looked at me with a tired expression.

– Which… which one of them? Uh, sorry. My memory's a bit hazy right now. – I think I forgot for a moment that I have  **two** other sisters… wait.  **_Two…?_ ** _ Is that… right? _

– No, no, it's okay. I just wasn't clear enough. – I felt like there were unspoken words stuck in my throat. It was not a great feeling, and I don't know why it arose. 

– Eliza? – Ivy tugged a bit on my sleeve and brought me back to reality once again. Both she and Andreza looked at me, concerned. Maybe curious to what on the world waltzed through this mess of a mind…

I forced through a smile, to at least try to cease their suspicions. – I was just dozing off, sorry! 

– Is that so? Your face looked pretty… uh… intense.

– Really? – I laughed. It was not completely genuine, but it wasn't forced, either. – But, anyways… she's Ivy. The youngest of us. 

– Oh, I remember now. Nice to meetcha, Ivy. – Andreza extended her hand in Ivy's direction, attempting a handshake. Ivy slowly retributed, although keeping a certain distance.

– Come on in, you two. – Andreza accommodated us, trying to make the ambiance as comfortable for us as it was for her. She didn't say "feel yourselves at home", she knows how chaotic life is there. Sometime in the last year, I came here for refuge. 

Compared to our home, being here is so much better. The familiar scent of coffee sticks with you even after you leave. 

She led us to her room. – You can make yourselves comfortable… and sorry for the mess. – I stopped a bit to look around me. Something that never fails to catch my attention when I come here is one specific shelf that has an enormous musical repertoire in it. CDs, vinyl records, tapes, sheet music… everything music can be found there. Oh, that reminds me, she gave me one of her favourites as a gift last Christmas… I still ought to listen to it.

Andreza with music it's just like me with literature. 

– Liz, your arm. What happened?

– Oh… it's a long story. It just burns a little tiny bit. Don't worry! – I giggled, trying to make the bad mood between us three breaks.

– Hm… anyways… why did you two come here? 

– Well, we have a favour to ask you… 

– And… – she yawned. – and what would this favour be?

– It's about Ivy. To put it shortly, problems at home… yeah. It's not a healthy environment, and she really doesn't want to go back… she can't go back. She needs somewhere to live and… I thought about her staying here with you. – I sighed. – I'm sorry, it's so sudden… but it's an emergency.

– Look… – the moment she responded, I couldn't help but be filled with worry. Ivy felt it too, it was as if she was preparing herself to receive a surprise bath with icy cold water. – I don't know. Things here can get a little chaotic sometimes, but… – but…? – we can try. At least if it's short-term. I can try to adjust my schedule.

I couldn't even express how relieved I was with words. 

I looked at my side and noticed Ivy taking a deep breath of relief… she smiled. It was almost like a gigantic weight was just lifted off her body. She probably felt the same as me… or maybe for her, the feeling was even greater, since she would never have to return to that place, the place that brought her so much despair.

I held Ivy's hand gently and smiled as if I was saying "it's all okay now" without being vocal about it. She smiled back, more subtly, but with the same amount of happiness. Seeing her happy like this… maybe that is enough for me. 

I couldn't keep the happiness to myself, so I went to Andreza for a tight hug. – Andy! Thank. You. So. Much!

– You're… welcome! Liz! Ow! – in the same second, I let her go. I think I got a little bit too excited… oh, no…!

– I'm so sorry! I was so excited that… ah… 

– No, no, it's okay! – Andy laughed, even though I almost crushed her in the hug… but if she was having fun out of the situation, I think it is okay.

– Ah, Ivy! – Andy seemed to have had a moment of reminiscence. A happy memory, I presume?

– He… hello! – Ivy responded rapidly as if she was taken aback by the suddenness of the exclamation.

– I just remembered. Liz said to me you are a music lover… is that so?

– Yeah, that… that's true… why do you ask?

– Oh, so that is great! I, too, am a music lover. – she pointed to the shelf where she put her collection. – I think you can kinda tell by the look of this room… I also have some instruments, they're in my closet. I mainly play guitar.

– Really? Like… really really?

– Really really.

After a bit of silence, Ivy's eyes seemed to radiate unique energy, a wave of excitement suddenly hit her all at once. – That is… that is so cool! Can I hear you play? – she said, with a radiant smile. I couldn't help but smile too, because happiness is truly contagious. – Please? – she pleaded. When I was thinking about having Ivy stay here, I knew this was a mutual interest between the both of them, and that would probably make them "click" right away. I didn't know for sure what the outcome would be, but I’m happy to know everything is alright!

– I'm not that good, though…

– Pretty please? – I joined Ivy to try to convince her. 

It took a few seconds with us almost pleading for her to play until she gave in. That was evil.

– Okay, okay! Geez, I’ll play it… – Andy laughed while going to pick her guitar up from inside the closet. Time to party! 

Amp ready, guitar on.

– I've been working on this one for a while… – with some adjustments to the tone, she started… 

The composition was sweet and mellow. Calm and musically light, but with a pronounced rhythm. Ivy observed every single little movement with awe. It was something that the average person would just bat an eye to, but for her, it was just so new. 

I was so involved, I didn't even know what to think.

I could keep listening to it for hours… 

_ Wait, again…? _

__ That feeling came again, out of nowhere. I don't really know how to explain it, but…

– That was… not the best. But I would say it's enjoyable at least. 

Ivy clapped, her enthusiasm was set to MAX. – so beautiful! Are you like, in a band?

– No, I am an independent artist… but I already considered making a band with friends. 

– That is so cool! You should be famous... 

– Ha, I wish.

They got along so well. That made me happy,  _ but… still _ . I feel a bit wrong. It's not because of anything special, and it definitely isn't because of something here.  _ It's just… me.  _

I tried to distract myself by reading a fashion magazine while Andy showed Ivy her collection.

Andreza told Ivy that she could explore the CDs all she wanted to while having caution. She also said she could get those that interest her or… something like that. I couldn't pay much attention to what she said.

I heard footsteps going towards my location. I looked once again to the outside of the written world and…

– Can we talk? 


	6. An Ode to You

– Can we talk? – I looked up and saw Andreza looking down at me, her expression… indiscernible. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel any shivers down my spine. What is she going to say… I can't predict. Maybe she's going to say on my face how I’m still the same and didn't develop at all… geez, I need to stop putting words on people's mouths. It's annoying even to me… if I said my thoughts out loud, I don't know if anyone would stay when hearing all my insecurities. I… I wouldn't. 

I'm sorry. I'm not feeling really good right now.

Whatever it is she has to say, it certainly is no small talk.

– Oh, yes… of course. – I tried to act as if nothing had shaken me at all and wasn't seeing things that weren't there, but it was useless. 

I never dealt well with confrontations. My heart always seemed to skip a beat every time. When the person who's confronting me is a loved one, it's even worse. The fear of having done something wrong always says hello. 

I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to change. For the people I love the most, I’ll try to change. The way I always have been… never more. 

Andreza is so confident. The form she expresses herself, the way she just… is. It's all so… right. I admire her, and at some point, I’m sure I wanted to be like her.

Andreza and Lewis both have saved me so many times… but what have I done for them?

She reminds me of an old dear friend. I guess I should go to visit her more often.

– Seems like you have a lot of things in your mind. – yeah… seems like Alice wasn't the only one to go there, because I just came back from Wonderland. My Wonderland… 

– Uh… yeah. Sorry, let's go. – I said, and Andreza opened the door to the balcony. Our scenery: two chairs, a table, and a beautiful view of the sleeping city and its people.

"It'll be fine. Just listen to her." – I said to myself and sat on one of the chairs, looking at the landscape, diverting my eyes in an attempt to make preparations.

– If I knew about our current circumstances in advance, I could have made you a cup of tea.

– That would be lovely, but… I don't want you to overwork yourself even more than you already do, Andy.

– It's not a big deal, Liz. Really. 

Sigh. She doesn't get it. - It is… you need to take care of yourself. Don't worry about me… 

– You know I do it all for work… once I’m done with all of this, I’ll take more time for myself. But that doesn't matter for now, what is concerning me is… 

– That doesn't matter? Andreza, please. Just… listen…! 

She sighed deeply and looked away from me. Was she… irritated? Her face didn't indicate it to be the case, but still… 

I think I messed up. No… I messed up royally. She has every right of being irritated after me interrupting her like that.

We were both just… there, looking away. Who would say something first? 

Unsaid words, floating around in the wind. Disappearing as our minds forgot what we were originally going to say. 

A little golden bird in my tongue. Words, coming together in unison…

– I'm sorry. Please… – just speak, Elizabeth. Just speak. - Please continue what you were saying.

– Oh? – she looked at me. Her expression was that of… I don't know! I can't really tell if she's surprised or amused. Did I just embarrass myself? Not again…

She started laughing. Laughing? She's laughing! You know that thing people do when they are nervous, having fun… oh my god… I feel like a clown… I am a clown. Elizaclown. That's me.

– Why are you laughing? – I’m crying inside! And my hair is trying desperately to cover my face! This is not funny!

– It's just that… you caught me by surprise! 

– What do you mean…? – what is happening… 

– The way you acted there is pretty different from usual. It was surprising, y'know? 

– How so? – I don't think that it was different, honestly. Or maybe it was and I just know myself way too much… 

– Don't know. 

– Maybe I’m just weird like that… 

– Well… you didn't lie. You are weird indeed. – Andy! You were not supposed to say that! 

– Why the grumpy face, Lilibet? It's the truth. – Lilibet?! What the heck! That's actually super cute! – But, don't get me wrong. I meant that in a good way.

– How can the word "weird" work in a good way, though…?

– You are just looking at it with the wrong lens. There is so much more to being weird than the negative connotation of the word. – She glanced at me, playing with her curls in her fingers. What she said made me think: is there more to being weird? I'm a writer, I should know… 

This conversation is proving to be quite valuable.

– Your weirdness is what makes you unique, Lilibet. You usually act as a cute little cinnamon roll, but both I and probably Louey-boy know there's more to you than that. – if I was holding a cup of tea, I would have dropped it right then and there. I could say "I don't think so", but my body refuses to interrupt her. Maybe because it knows it is kinda true, in some way or another… 

– What I’m saying is… you can let your weirdness go bonkers sometimes. I mean, hell! Be the eccentric poet you always wanted to be. I'm all for it. – Andy… you're so cool.

Andreza, before I met her, felt almost an error in reality to me. Like, she was the coolest, most fashionable girl on campus, but she wasn't in any of the popular groups. It seemed strange to me because, like… she seemed like she could be very popular, but she wasn't. 

When I became friends with Lou, he introduced us, and she was so cool. I was intimidated, sure, we were totally different from one another, but she really knew how to make a nice conversation. I was like: wow. Now, we are like an everlasting trio. I look back and say: god! These people really changed my life and I’m glad I met them. 

I must admit that this scene, us just talking to each other feels so surreal. Past me wouldn't believe it. 

– You're the best.

– We are!

Laughter, happy laughter. We forgot about all our problems and just glanced at the moment through happy eyes.

I'm so glad I met them both.

– We totally steered the conversation off its rails, huh? – I almost seemed to forget what we were talking about in the first place. To think I was so nervous before but now I’m laughing as nothing happened in my mind at all… it felt almost like a lie. A beautiful lie. 

– We totally did. And I did nothing to stop you because we were having too much fun.

– Ha! – I put my hand on my chin and made a silly little face. – But, really. What were you going to say?

– I was going to say I was concerned with you. Firstly, you are hurt and well, secondly, you seemed so out of it. Did something happen? – oh, that was what she was going to say.

– To answer the first question… it's just a few little scratches! They don't even hurt! – they hurt at the time, though… – and, the second: well, I am feeling a little odd today. It's almost as if I was forgetting something. Something important.

– And what would that be?

– To tell you the truth, I don't really know. It's just so strange… even when I think about it really hard, there are no answers, only more and more questions. – this isn't the first time my memory felt hazy like this. It might have been something that lived with me for all my life… but I really don't know why that is. – But, I’m okay now. Really. Let's not talk about that.

– If you say so, then… good! – when hearing that confident tone of voice, the roulette of my brain stopped on a distant memory. 

– When you speak like that, you almost remind me of an old friend. – I remarked. 

– Oh? And who would that be? 

– Her name is Cybele… but you wouldn't know her. She's… how do I put it…? Not from this world. 

– So, she's a magical being huh? I wonder how she must be… and, also… Cybele? Sorry if that brings up bad memories, but it kinda reminds me of… 

– Celine…? 

– Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

– Well… that is true. – my mother and I have a strange relationship. I remember her being super busy with work when I was a kid, but I never remember her actively taking care of me. That job would always be left to my father and the others. When I met Cybele that day… I felt a motherly warmth, I had a similar feeling that I only felt when reading books. The feeling of a mother, even though it wasn't supposed to be this way. It was just supposed to be a contract. But it didn't feel like it. – Cybele is a mother figure to me. She helped me through a lot in my early teens. She was, and still is the person who I could always go for advice… 

– Seems like she filled the space of a kind of void inside of you. 

– That's absolutely right. Although I didn't go to see her lately… maybe I should pay a visit. – We distanced ourselves from one another for some time. We're still connected by the contract, yes, but, we haven't talked at all these last few weeks.

– Say hi to her on my behalf.

– I will!

– Deal, then. – Andreza smiled, then looked at the clock on her right wrist. – Oh, shoot.

– What happened?

– It's almost time to open up!

– Oh! That much time has passed? – it felt like time passed so quickly, for some reason. But now, I think she really should get going… wait. 

– Yeah… I’ll get ready.

– Can I help you today?

– Wait, really? No, you're my guest.

– And you're tired. I can tell. 

– Okay… you got me. – Andreza stood up from her chair. – I'll go change, and oh… make sure to cover these bruises. You can use my jacket.

– Okay. Thanks a lot. – I’m honestly not that good at making coffee, but I want to help her somehow. I can make some little treats, though. Maybe I was too confident when I said that, but… still, I want to be useful! I want to feel useful… I don't want to feel like a burden anymore… 

When I got back in, Ivy was enjoying one of Andy's CDs, with tears in her eyes. The feeling of the music. I asked her "why are you crying?" and she just responded, "it's just too beautiful". Have you ever listened to a piece of music so beautiful you cried? I totally understand that feeling. Music is so amazing. Art is so amazing. And… eternal. Art is eternal. 

All done, ready. I'm wearing my dress, her jacket, and an apron. I actually feel quite different right now. Different energy. Brand new.

While no one came, we kept chatting about various things on the counter, it was such a cozy atmosphere. I wish Lou was here, so we could have our trio's reunion… we call ourselves the Outsiders Squad. We're like a little family by now.

– Remember how I said you reminded me of that friend?

– Yeah, what about it?

– Thinking about it now… you're like her, but you lack the sophistication. 

– Are you implying that I’m not sophisticated? Damn, that burnt. 

– It's just that you are more "cool" than you are "sophisticated", you know… huh? – I didn't get to finish my sentence, because there was something I saw through the glass of the door that made me feel really weird. 

A floating flame. The same one I saw that time before. Now that I see it again… that wasn't the first time it has appeared to me… 

I feel so weird.

Am I going crazy?

A silhouette… 

When that person entered the shop, she passed right through the flame without even getting burned. What is this…? 

That girl had short black hair and blue eyes that were behind thin pair of glasses. A friendly, pleasant, and terrifying face. I say "terrifying" because I feel like I saw her before. But, even after thinking really hard about it, I just can't remember. My mind stays blank.

– Hello… – and then she looked directly at me. – I want to talk with you for a bit. Is that okay?

– I… I guess? – oh no.

– I'll leave you two alone, then. – Andy whispered to me. I wanted to say "please don't go" because this situation is too strange for me to handle right now, and also… this familiar face. Let's see what she has to say…

It was quiet. But just for a little bit. For a little moment, until the storm created quiet havoc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a fun one to write. I hope you all liked it!   
>  I was planning on making a musical reference to "Balada do Louco" by Os Mutantes, but I didn't know how to translate the lyrics from Portuguese to English... so, that didn't happen! * sob *


	7. The Room Where It Happens / Blooming Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda delayed this chapter a bit because of school stuff, but, here it is! I hope you enjoy it!

With her bag in her shoulders, she cautiously approached me at the counter. The sound of her boots on the ground was the only thing that pierced the awkward silence. – I'm sorry for the sudden appearance. If you must excuse me… – she took a seat and smiled at me.

Why does this girl evoke such feeling on me? In the surface, it's a threat, but, it doesn't make me run. I want to see the truth of her intentions to coming here… and the flame.

The girl in front of me had a gentle, polite smile, wore some kind of dark preppy style and bore an elegant set of behaviours, but still, she felt distant. Distance, uneasiness… that was what I was feeling at that moment, and it certainly isn't something I would usually feel when seeing someone I don't know, that doesn't seem to bear any ill will. She did call me directly though, right? Well, that is a bit creepy, actually. We don't know each other at all. 

To be fair, to be put into this situation by itself isn't exactly a normal occurrence, and I know this isn't some kind of drama romance novel my mind made up and is trying to make me believe is reality. The feeling of dread is probably totally justifiable… and it didn't come from me. The feeling surely came from that familiar outside interference, standing right there. Her voice reached to the depths of my memories, and while it tried to force something to pass through me, it failed.

She felt like… 

A total threat incoming. Seeing the blooming feeling of danger, my little mind mechanisms organized an escape. – W-what are you ordering? Haha… – I tried my best to pull off a calm demeanour, but she obviously saw right through it. My little mind mechanisms screamed at me for being such a bad actress in a stressful situation… 

– Oh, I’m not ordering anything. I just came to talk to you. 

– she said while playing with a floral yellow handkerchief. – It's a bird. – she looked at me, smiling gently. – It looks quite funny, doesn't it? What do you think? 

I nodded clumsily. What is she doing…? I'm just waiting for her to introduce herself, but why does it seem she's not going to do that at all? What an odd girl… 

– Take it. It's a gift. – she handed it to me, and I held it carefully in order to prevent it from falling apart. Even though we are not particularly close, I would feel really bad if I ended up destroying a gift like this… 

I still want to understand the situation, though. It's almost as if it was a scene written by a prolific suspense author. If that was the case, I would say "Dearest, can you put down the mystery a tiny little bit? I'm afraid here!" – but, even though living with your eyes closed to the future can be extremely tiring, but I have to admit that a life without suspense would be pretty boring. 

I really hope my mind doesn't get burnt for thinking too much, it would be the hundredth-something time this month that happened.

– Did I come in a bad time? 

– Huh? No, don't worry! I was just thinking about things… 

– Things, huh… – she murmured. – Like what?

– Uh… – what should I say? I can't say she made me nervous, that would be very rude. – It's just that you look a bit familiar to me, is all. 

– Huh, that's strange… – she rested her chin on the palm of her hand while feeling the texture of the wooden counter in her fingers. – I… I don't think you've met me before. – for some reason, she seemed to struggle saying those words, and her tone was almost… one of pain. – You must be mistaking me for another person.

Her blue eyes were low and distant. The polite smile seemed almost artificial after the incident. 

– Oh, yes. – her eyes widened as she had a sudden realization. – I forgot to introduce myself, sorry.

– No, it's okay! Go on.

– Well… – she said while fixing her posture on the stool. – My name is Lotte. Lotte Mendax, but you can call me Lottie if you want! Oh, and again, sorry for the sudden appearance. – we might not have met, as she said. I'm probably mistaken since the name doesn't ring any bells for me. 

We politely shared our pleasantries and then she continued with the apology. – I was on my morning walk when I saw you heading here. I was planning to talk to you for some time now, and waited a bit for an opportunity in which you had free time… so I kinda crashed in here, sorry.

– No, no! It's okay, I don't mind… – I do mind a bit, but it would be terrible to say it to her face. I don't want to act selfishly like that. – but what did you want to talk about, Lo… – I couldn't finish saying her name before something hit my mind. The flame I saw before was… gone. It was right there, though! The only thing I know is that it was a magical flame, and nothing more than that. I don't know why it was following me then or why it disappeared now. I can only imagine those are the whims of fate, but, deep down, I know this isn't a coincidence.

– Did something happen…? – she worryingly asked after seeing my sudden surprised reaction to that occurrence. 

– Oh, no, no! It was just a bug that caught my attention. Don't worry. – smiling in that silly, awkward way felt like moving rusty gears. – You were introducing yourself, right? Let's continue from where we left off. You mentioned you planned to talk to me for some time now, right? What about?

– You might not know of us, but your peers certainly do. I'm a writer at the Soptis-Ma Research Center, we're an organization that's basically a news journal for the whole wide magic world. – oh, so she is a journalist… I see. Yeah, I do not know of them, but, they seem to be pretty famous if she can talk like that. Have I been living under a rock for all this time? That's actually not very surprising since the clan is so closed-off from the world… not even I would know. 

– There's a certain issue I’d like to talk about with you. And, don't worry, this conversation will not go out in public, I will be sure to keep your identity 100% anonymous if I ever write an article about this. And also, I’m the only one involved in this research so don't worry about leaked information and… – she continued to go on about various guarantees that all the details would be kept under seven keys on the room where the discussion happens. Sleepy… 

– It's okay, I got it… – the sentence was divided with a yawn that made me scream inside. So unpolite! Look at her, I’ve embarrassed myself in front of  **her** … – Ugh… shall we start? – an attempt at a recovery plan was made, at least.

– Tired…? I'm sorry for taking your time,  _ this night must have been rough _ . I'll be quick. – did I make her feel bad for me? No, please don't! Ah, why… Elizabeth, put yourself in your place, geez.

– No, I’m the one who should be apologizing, take your time! 

– Very well. – with a polite smile, she continued – Is there tea on the menu? The subject matter is a bit… complex. 

– Oh, yeah. What flavour? – oh, a fellow tea lover! I mean, it's a well-known stereotype that those from the UK are teaholics, but it's still a delight to meet people who share the same love. 

– Hibiscus.

– My favourite… I’ll be right back.

The sweet smell of tea filled the room, making me feel a warm, cosy feeling deep inside my heart. The sweet perfume calmly flew upstairs, and the girls were quick to take notice of it. 

– You making tea? – Andreza exclamed. 

– Yeah, for me and Lottie. Do you want some too? 

I could hear a soft "Who's Lottie?" coming from upstairs, probably asked by Ivy, in confusion. Andreza whispered the answer to her question with words I couldn't exactly understand, followed by – No, I’m good. 

– Is it hibiscus? I want to drink it too! – oh, Ivy! 

– It's almost done, come here! – Ivy probably got influenced by my mannerisms since we used to do various things together… a tea day was one of them. Always hibiscus. It could be served hot, cold… in any (normal) way you could think of it.

Ivy's footsteps got closer and closer to my location. Good thing the tea is almost ready.

– I'll be right back! – Lotte quickly got up from her stool and went into the bathroom. 

– Lizzie! Get a teacup for me? 

– Right away. – after making the drawer a bit messy searching for an extra one, I did just that. Sorry Andy, I’ll clean this up later… 

The sound of pouring tea was music to my ears.

– Thanks!

– You're weeelcome! – I said, in a joyfully melodious manner, extending my arms for a hug. – So…? 

– No… 

– Ivy… 

– Okay, geez! – she laughed and went in to hug me tight. 

– I'm doing some stuff down here, but I’ll be right back up there with you guys. Wait for me, okay!

– 'Kay. We're playing this one game called UNO, I just annihilated Andy with a stack of add fours! – in almost a smug tone, she said while getting up the stairs again, carefully holding the cup so didn't fall off her hands. Jesus Christ, Ivy, you beat the UNO master of the trio up… and she's a newbie… how?!

– Ivy, stop humiliating me in front of Liz, okay?! That was just a little slip-up.

– A little big slip-up! 

Oh, they got along so well.

The bathroom door opened up, and we returned to our business.

– Here, the tea. 

– Thanks a lot. – she took a tiny sip of her tea. I noticed her pinky being up while she did that. Really fancy… compared to hers, my table sophistication is almost unexistent.

– So, back to what we were talking about… what is the issue you mentioned? 

– It's about the association. Well, how should I say this… – that does  **not** sound good, but, I mean… is any talk about the association good at all? They are synonyms for trouble. I really hope Lou is doing okay… searching for intel might be dangerous… god… I don't even want to picture it. – It's complex. Are you prepared?

– Yeah… – a rush of adrenaline passed through my body. I just stopped to think of the risks of being there… Lou… I could feel sweat dripping down my cheeks… – Sorry, go on. I just have… strong feelings on the matter.

– The association seems to be involved in some… shady business. – oh, that's not new. – Like… probably bits of fraud, engaging in unorthodox magical services and also… there's a person isolated and imprisoned at the top of the tower of the main building. – wait, what?

– Seriously?! – this is totally  **insane** . I learned the hard way to always the worst from them but, that?! That is too much!

– Seriously. I'm not sure, but if you analyze recent occurrences, it's too suspicious for all of that to be a coincidence. I've made some notes about this issue, could you look at them? 

– Sure… – I carefully analyzed the scribbled notebook, and, although I don't exactly understand the first few lines, she must have seen a connection. 

> **January**
> 
> 09/01/2005 – Secret new + extremely powerful member (presumed to be called Y1K or something of the sorts, for some reason? strange name choice imo); 
> 
> 10/01/2005 (00:00)– Strange presence in the tower;
> 
> 12/01/2005 – "Easy" outside access to the upper main tower restricted (all windows blocked except for the glass rooftop of the top, which is inaccessible by orthodox means);
> 
> 15/01/2005 (00:00) – Strange presence in the tower (upon my half-baked analysis, it's moon magic)
> 
> 19/01/2005 (00:00) – A BLACK CAT LITERALLY FLEW THROUGH THE ROOFTOP WHAT IS HAPPENING? (i wasn't the only one who saw that)
> 
> 23/02/2005 – Various reports of extreme fatigue and strange nightmares from people close (close in the sense of being close enemies lol) to the association (i call it Black Cat Syndrome;
> 
> 24/01/2005 (00:01) – Strange presence in the tower;
> 
> 24/01/2005 (00:02) – REALLY strange presence in the tower;
> 
> 24/01/2005 (00:02??) – Something happened, but I don't know what.
> 
> 24/01/2005: ???

Yeah… it brings up some suspicious things, but… what did I just read?- Wait a second.  **Wait.** 23rd of January… this fits with all of the things I felt in that day… what does this even mean…? 

– Okay, this is not very formal, sorry, but, that's the short synopsis of the situation. I didn't put details because I wasn't too sure of how to word it… hey, are you okay?

– In the 23rd… I’ve gone through this exact same situation on that day… I even fainted! 

– Oh, so you were one of the victims of the syndrome… that's terrible. 

– Why would this happen…?

– Maybe someone who knew what you thought of them betrayed you. I mean… their modus operandi was attacking people who posed a threat to their integrity. Think about that. – her icy blue eyes felt like sharp blades contained within her glasses.

Someone who I  _ knew… _ betrayed me…?

– I mean… you are quite well known in the magic world, if they knew a figure as grand as you opposed them, they would be done for. And that's what probably happened, someone must have betrayed your trust in exchange for a hefty reward, like… money, status, ranking… things like that.

I was… betrayed?

– Oh, I’ll have to go now! Thanks for the tea… oh, also, here's my number, plus a location where you can meet me most of the time since I kinda live there. Feel free to contact me for more intel, and also, I will look more into this issue for you since it is something that affects you personally and I will ask inside sources to-

My body was moving, but I did not control it.

– -search for some archives that point to the identity of-

Betrayed, huh? By who…? 

– -that Y1K, then, now-

Was it…

– bye!

No… 

Can I really trust this girl I just met…? It's totally a lie!

But… how would she even know…? 

What if it is the truth…? 

I'm so tired. I don't want this anymore… 

"Liz… are you okay…? Liz…! Elizabeth!" 

I heard a voice and stared at its source with void eyes. "Yes" – I said blankly, along with phrases I couldn't understand, even if I said it myself. The words were scribbles that I couldn't make anything out of. Newborn baby's first attempt at cursive. 

Figures bounced, and I suddenly saw myself thinking… 

Something, no, everything is wrong…

Was  **he** lying to me?

Did  **he** betray me…? 

No… I can't accept it… 

It's not true, right? It's a lie, right? 

**Please look me in the eyes say it is, Lewis.**


	8. DISTRUST

**I. A storm, a soul, a sword.**

Getting out of bed felt heavy. 

Still in pyjamas, with a pillow right over my head. I almost felt like releasing my screams of anger on it, but that would be unnecessary.

I don't know what time it is, don't know if someone called me or sent a message. I didn't even charge my laptop yesterday. I hope no one is worried for me… they shouldn't be. 

I don't want it, but I need this solitude. 

Sounds of flowing fabric, morning birds and the winds of a distrusting world. 

Sometimes I feel like I don't belong.

"The world belongs to the dreamers" is a concept philosophers and poets made up so they could at least feel better about themselves. I wish my life could let me believe in it. 

Pages on the ground, pieces of half-baked poetry in progress. How could I ever finish them now if I made all of them thinking about him? 

They weren't even supposed to be love poems… 

I can't stop doubting, and I still love him.

How can people let go so easily? How can people distrust so easily? 

Those questions… I don't think I ever know the answers to them. I prefer not to discover and to know about my own nature. Gentle and anxious, creative, naive and oblivious. Easily manipulated. Who do my peers want me to be? Who do  **I** want to be?

Will I ever know the world? Will I ever know those around me? Will I ever know myself?

A part of me doesn't want to. 

What would my kid self say if she knew my biggest enemy in the future would be myself?

It's better if she doesn't know.

The world around me slowly fades away.

> **Gloves, robes, crows.**
> 
> **Jet black attires, void blue eyes.**
> 
> **Taboo, book, blank pages, nothing more.**
> 
> **What to expect from it? Will it lead them to victory?**
> 
> **Or will the Chinese Boy take its crown?**

I never have had clear visions of the future.

> **Infinity, a game of chess, an act of establishing absolute, hopeless sovereignty.**
> 
> **A storm, a soul, a sword.**
> 
> **Who comes out on top?**
> 
> **Wasteland, wonderland, war.**

Is there any way to interpret it? 

I tried countless times, writing them down, connecting things, making speculations… 

Even after all that… 

Nothing was ever found. 

Full pages, empty pen. 

My hand hurt, my head hurts.

I think I’ll just leave this up for later. 

Leave everything up for later until the future comes up with a-

**Bang.**

The window was suddenly opened, with a shadow coming closer and closer each second.

– Why are you here?

– My intuition just told me you were in distress. We have an extremely strong connection, after all. 

– I see… you've always been like this… 

A blinding light involved the room in a sweet embrace, revealing the beautiful figure that always accompanied me in my moments of solitude.

– Cybele… – the unknowing eye would only see her as a mere plushie, but, that form hides secrets from the general public, in reality, the true form, one would never imagine seeing something like it in person. 

What I saw was a fantastical representation of a majestic divine entity. A goddess with graceful white wings and a luxurious golden vest. If you stare at her amber-coloured eyes too deeply, they might blind you. 

– You've grown since the last time we met… you may be almost as tall as me, now. – she took her time, taking delicate steps toward the bed and had a seat next to me. The loose golden jewellery was scattered in my surroundings, making strangely comforting little sounds when they accompanied her movements. – Even though you've grown with age… I can't just go away. Not only because we still have a contract, but because you are who you are. 

– Ha, is that so…? – fighting against the pressure of gravity on my body with my arms carrying the weight of my body, I stood up. 

I almost felt like that helpless little girl again, running, scared and scarred with the sharp gaze of an insensitive world to the arms of her newfound motherly figure. Running for comfort, for safety, but most of all, for love. The three things I had lost for most of my childhood.

But I know that is not who I am now. 

– I look at you and wonder what's on your mind, Elizabeth. – Oh, Cy, if you knew…

– Everything, but nothing at all… there's so many things going on… I can't even start to explain. 

– That must be troubling you a lot… just take your time. 

– I had an odd dream again. Granted, that is not the main source of my problems, but it's still troubling me. 

– What did it say? Do you think it was a prophecy? 

– I think so, it was broken and… odd. I don't remember much of it, and I don't really want to know what it means, so… 

– It might be giving an important message. Do you not want to know what it meant for you? 

– I guess that's what most people would answer, but… I don't want to know, at least for now. It might cause me even more anxiety.

– I can understand that, but I suggest you don't dismiss these kinds of dreams entirely. 

– I won't… I just need to get my life together for now. When the storm calms down, I’ll maybe do something… I swear. 

– If you need any help, you can call me, you know.

– Yeah, I know. But I’ll try to investigate this issue myself in the future, at least the parts I can make out of it. 

– That's an admirable resolve. – she bore a warm, nurturing smile while saying these words. – Keep it in your heart from now onwards. 

Those words, those simple words… they acted almost as a catalyst for my viewpoint to become brighter all of a sudden. I think that's just the effect that a mother's caring wishes have on you… 

If I have a child someday, a loving and compassionate mother is who I want to represent. If they come for me for help, I’ll open my arms and heart for them right away. They'll be free, they'll be accepted, but most of all, they'll be loved under all circumstances. 

– Thank you for being here. Thank you for staying with me. – I said the five words that came from the very depths of my heart and soul. – I must have been so difficult and annoying for you at the start… but you still stayed. Why? 

– Because I saw right through your intentions. First of all, I thought "there is no way a child like this came for me for power" and it seems I was absolutely right. You came at me with that innocent little smile for a friend to confide in. I usually wouldn't have accepted it, but… I opened an exception just this once. 

– That reminds me, you did say you were terrible with children once before… 

– And I still maintain my word. 

– I don't think you were terrible with me, though. – or  _ maybe _ I just have low standards when it comes to family, but… 

– Good. 

A few bits of small-talk here and there, smiles, and an air of serenity too. These moments were great, but, in the back of my mind, little ticks and tocks tried to tell me, repeatedly: aren't you forgetting something? There just might be a new message waiting for you. 

– Excuse me, Cybele… I think I need to check my e-mails now. We can continue our conversation after that…

– It is no problem, take your time. 

After waiting about three minutes for the laptop to boot up after it got a bit of battery from the current charge, I did just that. A few clicks and, sure enough… 

Lou. 

A date, today, this night. 

– Is something the matter? 

– No, it's just… a date. That's all. 

– Is that so? I'm not going to press you for an answer, of course, but, if there is any issue that you need sort out there, you should go for it. If that's not the case, you can decline at any time.

If there is an issue that I need to sort out there, I should go… huh. There is that issue, surely… now that I think about it, it's best that I don't keep waiting… 

– I'll go. 

– Very well then. I assume you're going to spend some time alone now, isn't that right? 

– Wow, I was going to say that just now… but, yeah. 

– I'll see myself out, then… – she stood up and went in the direction of the window that she emerged from. 

– Oh, wait! Before that… can I… uh… can I get a hug…? – I couldn't even control what I was saying right there, it just came out of my mind as if it was an instinct… 

– Of course… you didn't even need to ask. – she walked by towards me and opened her arms to involve me in a bright, warm embrace that could temporarily illuminate, even if temporarily, any hopeless hearts it came in contact with. 

– We will meet again… – she said while letting go and returning to her unsuspecting bunny form once again. 

– That is for sure. 

* * *

  
  


**II. With the stars and you.**

That night, it snowed inside and out.

Heavy weather-appropriate clothing, hair tied up in a dark orange ribbon, and a little glimpse of makeup to complete the overall appearance. 

I was only physically prepared for the occasion.

By the window, I saw he was there, waiting for me at the gate. I excused myself of my absence at the information department and went on. 

While we were on our way, there was basic small-talk. "How have you been? The weather's been cold lately, huh?" – Little to no conversations at all, the whole ride was not that comfortable. It was like a pool of awkwardness, for some reason. I think he was waiting for the actual conversation to come when we were in a more comfortable place, and I just did not know what to say, at all. 

He tried to crack a silly joke or two, and I nervously laughed so the situation wouldn't get even more uncomfortable to go through. That would make it worse for both of us.

After quite a long ride, we walked towards a restaurant. 

"It's here" – the plaque read "To the Stars", and the place seemed to be pretty high up. I haven't heard about this place before, but judging from the sound of voices inside, it was probably bustling with energy. 

When we got in, the sound of people and muffled jazz music were what I heard. Lou conversed with an employee, probably about reservations, but I could not hear much because his voice was so… soft. 

"Thank you." – he said and came back to accompany me once again.

– Where do we sit? – I said. – It seems like the tables are all full here… 

– Oh, it's not here. – he said with a sweet smile. 

– It's not here? 

– Come here… – he took my hand in his so gently I felt my heart was skipping a beat. I felt happy, but I also felt the disgruntling, agonizing pain of feeling distrust towards him. I wish i could take it out of my mind. 

Going up towards the stairs, the world seemed to fade once again, until we were looking at the solitary universe. No one but us to be seen.

Stars, clouds and the moon. Not only that, but you could probably see the majority of the city from this height. It was so beautiful… 

I approached the glass panes and blissfully observed everything around us. 

– Lou, you… – I was incredulous, this was such a new experience, I truly did not know how to respond. 

– This is a gift for you.

– Why…? 

– There must be a lot going on in your life right now. So I thought I might give you something to make you feel better in these times… what is your verdict? 

– It's… beautiful! It's ethereal… – I could not entirely describe what I saw at that moment even if I used all of my vocabularies, it wasn't only the view, but the emotional power it had on me. It perplexed me, it moved me in a way I wouldn't see it coming even if I had this information beforehand.

– Haha, I’m glad you liked it! And, oh, have a seat! 

Alone together, we had the place almost all for ourselves. The soothing female vocals of the song played, the piece of a soul in a melodious form. 

– Lizzie, I don't think I’ve told you that today, so… you look great, as always. I really like the touch the ribbon gives to the overall outfit, I think it's very cute!

– Oh, really…? Thanks. – curling strands of my hair on my fingers, I couldn't help but to chuckle a little. It was cute…? – I like it too, I can't explain why that is, though… 

– Maybe it's because it gives… uh… a breath of fresh air to the outfit. 

– Oh, yeah, that's exactly the word I’ve been searching for! How did you know? 

– Oh, telepathy. I read your mind… just kidding! I just think the same way. Unless…? 

Sweet times, enjoying desserts. Enjoying each other's company. Sharing books, movies and old songs. I forgot everything I once had in mind as if seeing his sweet smile and listening to the honeyed sound of his voice was a form of hypnosis unknown to men. The sweet atmosphere of happiness and only that was present now. Even if it's temporary… please, let me indulge in it. Just for this one moment, even if is the last. 

The song changed to a beautiful, soft ballad. It sang to me and urged me to stand up to make a sweet request directly to him. The sound of my shoes, tip-toeing across the ballroom, dancing and spinning around until it found its balance made him turn his gaze towards me. Today he wasn't wearing his glasses, so you could clearly see the brown his eyes bore. 

I extended my hand towards him, calling. 

– Shall we dance? 

– Oh? – was he caught by surprise…? He lowered his gaze for a bit, and when he got back on his composure, he amusingly laughed. – It would be lovely. 

With delight, we danced together as if nothing was there at all. It's just the stars and us. Smiles and laughter, tiny slip-ups and pauses.

He was so beautiful, in all senses of the word. He is sweet, caring and gentle. I wanted to cry, I wanted to cry so much because deep down I knew my concern was not gone. But, please… just for now… let me be blinded by myself. 

It was the ballet recital for no one except us.

– I'm tired… – he leaned on the chair for support, smiling. – it was fun, though.

– It indeed was! I didn't really know you could dance, though. That was a surprise. 

– Oh, it's not very impressive… I just participated in some school dances and took some classes, that's all. I do think it is a very beautiful art, though. 

– You didn't tell me that before!

– Oh, I didn't! I must have forgotten, but… now you know!

– Yeah, now I… oh? – a strange feeling hit me. It was almost like a loud, but short acute sound making its presence.

– What's the matter? 

– I'm feeling something strange… oh, I think there's something in your hair. Let me check… – I felt a bit sorry about messing his hair up, but I did find something. 

A glass shard. 

– A glass shard…? Where did this come from?

– I don't really know, honestly. But, ah… that reminds me… I’m sorry, this will probably ruin the mood, but… about the investigation…

Let's go. 

– What's up? Did you find more information? 

– We should stop worrying about this, it was just a red herring, I’m sure. It doesn't show any threat, for now. So… I’m putting a close to this. 

– Wait, what? 

– The thing about the "guest of honour" was just a rumour being passed around the association, no such thing exists… so, don't worry, okay? It's safe. We're safe.

– Lou… 

Lou… that was such an obvious lie. I can see right through you, you do not believe in yourself. Even if you showed confidence in this, I would still know it was a lie, because of something you would never know about… 

The meeting of that day. 

He wouldn't know. And, if he knew… he could have used the scheme of the disease to make me not go. 

Lou.

– Look at the time… I've got to go… – I reached out to my purse and looked at the address Lotte gave me once again. 

– Oh, but… 

– I'm sorry. I'm not feeling very well. I'll… call you later. – I walked as quickly as I could, holding back tears of pure frustration. Lou… 

Your smile, your eyes, your voice… it all made me fall in love. That damned smile, everything about you… you, you… Lou… 

Why did you lie?!

  
  
  


> **There's no use…**
> 
> **Of a moonlight glow…**
> 
> **Or the peaks where Winter snows…**
> 
> **What's the use of the waves that will break…**
> 
> **In the cool of the evening?**
> 
> **What is the evening?**
> 
> **Without you…**
> 
> **It's nothing.**
> 
> **It may be…**
> 
> **You will never come…**
> 
> **If you never come to me…**
> 
> **What's the use of my wonderful dreams…**
> 
> **And why would they need me?**
> 
> **Where would they lead me?**
> 
> **Without you…**
> 
> **To nowhere.**
> 
> **Just nowhere…**
> 
> **(Useless Landscape, Antônio Carlos Jobim.)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> important: i will enter a hiatus in the month of march in order to work on a special project for that month, one that also involves cardcaptor sakura: clear card hen, and will return in april. stay tuned for more updates on my twitter @wondergolde! wish you all the best, see you in april! <3

**Author's Note:**

> hiya! it's me again, to tell you that if you want to follow updates on this work (or maybe see some drawings, concept arts for the characters, some random clamp-related stuff, or maybe just chat with me), you can follow my twitter @wondergolde! (i've said this before, but, am repeating just in case)  
> also note that i'm not a native english speaker (i'm brazillian), so some things may not be 100% correct!


End file.
